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May 23, 2021
I recently asked on my Instagram what you’d like to hear about next on my blog and so many of you said my Pregnancy journey so far, so this weeks blog is all about that.
I genuinely never thought I would get the chance to be a Mum. I met Pete a bit later in life and before then I was resigned to the fact that perhaps babies and family life just wasn’t written in the stars for me. So to look back now, whilst coming into 7 months of being pregnant, is actually quite an emotional feeling.
I want to preface this blog by saying, I am absolutely thrilled to be pregnant. I am so aware of how lucky I am and I am eternally grateful for that. However I also want to be honest and give you a complete rounded view of everything, especially as someone who is pregnant and suffers with anxiety. So I will try to cover the good and bad.
The first trimester was definitely the most difficult for me. I was certain I was pregnant before we took the test. I think as someone who suffers with anxiety I am always so hyper aware of how I’m feeling and what my body is doing and just knew something different was happening. As soon as we could we took the test and we found out I was correct in my feeling! This was just before New Years, which was a lovely thing to happen after such a difficult year. Bringing in 2021 with the news was really special.
I can remember my anxiety sky rocketing in the first few weeks. I guess it's no surprise when hormones are rushing all around your body and things are changing. I spoke to my midwife about it and she said ‘oh every new Mum feels anxious when they first find out’. I’m not quite sure she realised I meant ‘having a panic attack whilst on a walk in the woods’ kind of anxious, but knowing myself and my anxiety I knew I could keep an eye on it and that I am fully aware of when it’s at a manageable level and when it’s worse. Luckily the initial anxiety calmed down after about 4 weeks in.
During January, when I was in my first month of pregnancy my nausea got quite bad. I was in the process of packing up my whole studio at this time to move over to a fulfilment centre and that combined with constantly feeling sick is not something I ever wish to repeat! I am so grateful that Pete was with me and took on most of the work involved in getting all my stock packaged up, boxed up and sent out. There is no way I would have managed it without him. I don't quite know how I got through January, as it's all a bit of a blur. I do know that I lived off ginger beer and apple juice and now, due to that, the taste of it makes me feel sick even when I'm fine!
February was still a month of feeling sick but I also suffered with these really intense hormone headaches. I used to get these headaches when I was due on so I knew it was hormone related but these were the worst yet! The only thing that would ease them slightly was a cold flannel on my head, peppermint oil and lots of sleep.
Come March time I was counting on the second trimester being easier. It wasn't as instant as I'd hoped (obviously haha) but everything settled down a bit and I was able to slowly feel human again.
We took a trip to Bury in March to a wonderful private scan clinic called Starlight. I was really eager to know whether we were having a boy or a girl and I was also feeling a bit anxious about whether everything was okay. So I decided to book it and I'm so pleased we went. The lady who did the scan was so lovely. She put our minds at rest and said baby looked to be doing well and told us we were having a little girl.
Throughout March the headaches and sickness didn't come back (thank goodness)! My main struggle now is the emotional side of things. I’ve always thought a lot of my mood and anxiety is linked to my hormones and being pregnant has really felt like an emotional rollercoaster. I have some days when I feel okay and other days when I just can’t stop crying or leave the house. I’ve had some days when I’ve felt intense anger for no reason whatsoever and other days when I feel peaceful and content. There really is no rhyme or reason for it, so I take the good days when I can and get through the not so good ones as best as possible. Pete has been an absolute saint with me, even on the days when I know I've been unbearable!
Covid-wise we’ve been very lucky that Pete has been allowed into both Scans, which has been lovely. My Midwife appointments have been a mix of in person and over the phone but so far it’s all been okay. Hopefully by my due date things will be even more settled and 'normal' again. Fingers crossed!
I have such a big amount of respect for any Mum to be who was going through it all in the midst of 2020. I can't imagine how challenging and difficult that added element must have made things.
I’m coming towards my third trimester now, which seems ridiculous to me! It only feels like yesterday when we found out. I’m slowly getting everything we need together and I’m really enjoying browsing baby things and making lists of what we need (as well as buying a few things we definitely don’t need but are too cute to resist). I’m planning on doing a hypnobirthing course soon, which I’m hoping will make me feel a little more prepared for the birth, because currently I feel incredibly clueless.
I worry daily about the things I'm certain most pregnant people worry about, but I am also so happy and incredibly grateful that I get to have a new chapter in my life that includes bringing a new little person into the world.
Other than that I am remembering the wise words of my Mum, who told me when I was worrying about not knowing anything that it will be okay. She told me, you’ll know your baby and you’ll know what’s right for her and you. Everybody is different and you will find your way to do things that makes you and baby happy. So I’m holding onto that advice whenever I start overthinking things.
Thank you so much for reading, I hope it was of some interest. Also, if you're pregnant too, I hope it's made you feel less alone in it. I've found pregnancy to be quite lonely and isolating at times, especially during lockdown. Everything is so new but if none of your friends are going through the same thing it can leave you feeling a little alone. I have found comfort in reading and watching positive birth stories on YouTube, talking to friends who have already had babies and also joining the Peanut app, which connects you with other Mumas to be. Also, I have found a few lovely people in my Instagram DMs who are also pregnant, which has been lovely and given me some really comforting conversations.
I hope you are all well.
Sending my love,
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